The beginning...

 . . . I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go  . . .
Song of Solomon 3:4

Tomorrow I will marry the one my heart loves.  I'm euphoric! Thinking about the future I reflect on the past. Everything that brought us here to where we are now on the eve of our wedding....

The phone rings:

     Hello? I answer.

    His voice responds, ...So what have you been doing the last 12 years?

 Funny and sincere--it was the perfect opening line, but it didn't really start there.

A typical Tuesday few days earlier:
 I was at work, and as always logged into facebook.  I was messaged out of the blue. I read my name in all caps: STEPHANIE!!!!
My name never looked so good to me. I've seen it written my whole life, but never had I seen it and sensed the excitement I sensed from him. My heart danced inside me. I responded with his name in all caps matching his enthusiasm. We spent the next few unproductive days messaging on the social network that reunited us. I know that I for one did nothing but wait in anticipation to get a message and respond. I was desperate to get to know him. I made sure to ask a question with each message that I sent to ensure I got a response from him. The more we messaged, the more I wanted to message. The more I got to know him the more I needed to know him.

In high school he was the boy I always noticed in the hall. I always said hi, smiled, or in some small way acknowledged his existence--which was pretty generous of me considering he was an underclassmen. Every time he looked at me I would wonder what he could be thinking. Could he find me as intriguing as I found him?

Fast forward twelve years. Skip through the heartache and shame of countless failed relationships (mostly mine). I emerge from my apartment wearing a flower in my hair and a little too much perfume. My heart pounds as I lock the door and walk toward his car. I take one deep breath before I open the car door, sit down and play cool. He looks exactly the same. More than a decade later his eyes pull me in again. Turns out he found me intriguing after all.

     It was the kind of first date you see in movies--when you know from the opening scene that the couple just has to end up together. I knew I had to see him again. And again. And again.

Our second date was the very next day. I couldn't wait. After that second date there was no doubt; I loved him. Two weeks later I knew he was meant for me and I him. I found my partner, the one my heart loves.

  The timing was perfect. If we had gotten together back in high school I'm sure he would've been just another one of the many 'failures'. I'm sure I would've sabotaged that relationship as I did with all the relationships of my teens and 20's. The love of my life would have been another casualty of my rebellion and immaturity.  I'm grateful for those years and those failures though. I was able to recognize my mate, able to see him for the important qualities of maturity, faithfulness, and the hard-working, loving father that he is.

  As we approach the next chapter I know it is only the beginning. I'm so excited to start my life and my family with him.  He's everything I never knew I always wanted.
Tomorrow our journey really begins! I can't wait!!

Psalm 139: I know that full well

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways. 
 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.  
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
 Psalm 139:1-6

Before I am a mother, before I am a wife, before I'm a sister, a daughter, or a friend, before I am an employee, before I'm a democrat or republican before I am an American I am a child of God.
The creator of the universe knew me before my parents did. He formed me.
"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14
Sometimes the world around me doesn't make sense. Sometimes I feel like don't fit in in my own family. In my stress, in my depression, anger and uncertainty I know 2 things to be true. God's still for me and He's still here. I often feel ill-equipped to play all the roles I've been placed in, and yet God knows ME. He said he'd never leave me or forsake me. Sometimes that is hard to believe. A lot of people have said they'd never leave. But Numbers 23:19 reminds me that "God is not a man that he should lie, nor the son of man that he should change his mind"

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7-12

I need that reminder. God is with me always. When I feel like my world is falling apart. When I feel utterly alone. When nothing makes sense. My creator is with me. He sees my tears, He knows my struggles. I'm not alone. He created me. My God knows my fears and doubts, my insecurities and short-comings. And better than that he equipped me to handle it. I don't have to go through anything alone! He cheers me on, tells me I CAN do it. And He KNOWS this to be true because He made me. He made the earth, the stars and the oceans and He Made Me.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from youwhen I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body;all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand —
when I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139:13-18

I feel under pressure sometimes. I get overwhelmed and sometimes I can't see my way out. I am trying to encourage myself in the Lord as David did in First Samuel when he was in "great distress."
This is a challenge. My heart feels heavy--I actually feel it in my chest it hurts.
I can relate to David. He was a dude that made A LOT of mistakes. I'm sure he embarassed his family once or twice with his actions (I can definitely relate to that). I'm sure he's felt unworthy. I know and I've read how he's felt depressed. And yet David is called a man after God's own heart.
That means there's still hope for me.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

Zitty People

People are like zits; apply pressure and what's inside comes out.

   There's been a pretty devastating event recently which basically intersects my entire life.
I've been shocked and even appalled by the reactions of some, and I've truly been humbled by the very few who seem to keep things in perspective.
To say that everyone involved is "under a lot of pressure" is definitely an understatement! And much like when you pop a zit, I'd rather NOT see what's coming out--because it's gross.
With my own eyes I have seen several very broken people--people who's lives have been turned completely upside down, the world crumbling beneath them. When I experienced a major and sudden change of events my initial reaction was to curl into a ball and cry until I was utterly exhausted. Eventually I was unable to hide, and I could no longer fold myself into the fetal position any more because it became physically impossible. In this situation I've witnessed similar sadness and cried several tears of my own. The sadness has been no surprise.
Then there's the rage. I know there's such a thing as "righteous anger;" the bible even says to be angry and sin not (Ephesians 4:26). But I'm talking about the blood-boiling rage when your face gets all hot, you get tunnel vision, and all you can see is the offense and the offender. When you get to that point all that matters is to react in an equally if not more hurtful way. That may be the most prevalent response in the situation right now. I've heard words I never thought I'd hear from certain people. I was even told to "F-off" by one of the major players involved because MY words were no-doubt offensive. The other nasty, distasteful words and actions have been too numerous to count. I have truly grieved over it all. In the past several weeks I've been disappointed by friends I've respected and looked up to; it's been heart breaking.
  One unexpected outcome has been motivation. (It's motivated ME in a surprising way, but that's another talk for another time.) But I continue to see certain individuals reevaluate their place in life and their life choices and make decisions to forge ahead. Some decisions have been unimaginably difficult and some may even seem to be the wrong decision to those on the outside looking in. I for one am grateful that they are not my decisions to make. I see the agony it's causing to make a decision in one way or the other but to do nothing is not an option. Motivation and drive have been surprising after the devastation but I admire the impulse to pick up the pieces and get to work.
  A major frustration came when a 'friend' watching from a relatively close distance, but in no way directly involved, turned the situation back on herself. As I've mentioned the situation is SAD; everyone who knows even the slightest detail has been saddened by it. But this 'friend' seems unable to see the situation for what it really is. She's turned the whole thing back on herself as if the greatest devastation is hers to bear. That really left an awful taste in my mouth. I have the fortune or misfortune of being pretty up close and personal to the whole thing. I often call it having the best seat in the house to a show I don’t want to watch. But with this close proximity comes an opportunity and responsibility that I do not want to squander. I am able to speak to and inspire some of the ‘major players’ in a way that others are not. I know how important my words and actions are in all this and the last thing I want to do is say or do the wrong thing—there’s been plenty of that since day one.  Being in a position to speak into the lives of such vulnerable people is not really a place I would choose to be.  I have to be so careful about what I say and how I act right now. I am generally not shy about saying how I feel or what I think. I am told several times a week that I have no filter. So not saying every single thing that comes to mind has been a challenge. One thing I have learned in life is that the right words mean nothing if spoken at the wrong time.  Proverbs 15:23 reads, "...a word spoken in due season, how good it is!" The pressure of being in this position, trying to say the right thing at the right time and trying not to let my bad attitude seep into those around me has been great. So when this ‘friend’ asks me for information ‘from the inside’ only to gain attention or to seek sympathy or even just to know for the sake of knowing is truly appalling.
  Then I've seen silver linings. Reactions that have restored my faith in the human race after everything else had made me think everyone sucks. In the last few weeks I've seen a remarkable display of mercy and grace. That has truly been the most surprising reaction and the reaction that has humbled me the most. One particular person (I feel) has had the hardest blow in the whole thing. If anyone has the right to be enraged and act on it I would consider this person. But instead I've seen expressions of love--true, Christlike love--poured out. I've watch this person not lookout for them-self but instead show concern for others around--including the offender. It has blown my mind.
The other silver lining I'm watching unfold in front of me is redemption. I've seen the "beauty for ashes" the bible talks about in the book of Isaiah. The love of my life has experienced all of this before. It breaks my heart thinking about it! I met him after the devastation and have only heard his account of what it was like to go through it. But he’s told me all about it. The hurt, sadness, rage, motivation—everything that I’m watching play out before me he’s already been through. I’m glad to have him sitting next to me as I watch. He knows what’s coming for sure, and it’s awesome to see how God is using this awful thing from his past to help the people currently in the situation. My love for him has grown tremendously in the last few weeks. Through it all he has been caring, loving and protective, not just to me but to several people involved in this ugly situation.
The pressure put on me has caused some ugly things to come out for sure. One of the worst things was that I lost faith in people. As I watch more unfold (I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg at this point) I'm sure there will be an overflow of emotions. My prayer continues to be that people not be carried away by these emotions. Hurt will come. Sadness is inevitable. My hope is that people are able to keep a level head, keep things in perspective and move forward with dignity. That's been my personal goal in this whole thing.
 I recently read a quote, "If you think you're under pressure, you're probably not, because when you really are, you don't even have time to think about it"
Everyone I've mentioned (save one) has definitely been under pressure in light of recent events. I think all involved have just reacted without thinking about it. What's interesting is that I am seeing the true character of people now. What I see today is doesn't exactly match what I saw before.
I wonder what people are seeing come out of me...

Invisible Part I

I want to scream!! But the question is would I be heard, or would I just hurt my voice for nothing?

I was attacked. I was attacked by someone I trusted, someone who told me quite frequently that he "loves" me. You can imagine how that would screw a person up. At least, I thought that would be a normal conclusion to draw. Over the past few months however I question my own thoughts, feelings and reactions on the subject based on my mother's failure to think, feel, or react.
Let's rewind:
I, as I said, had a relationship with my attacker before the attack. I've known him and his family for years; we basically grew up together. His mom even called me her "other daughter." Which brings me to the actual daughter. She and I connected very soon after we first met. She was 16; I was 15. We soon became inseparable. I spent every weekend at her house and really becoming a part of the family. I forgot we weren't related. Years passed. We grew up, grew apart, but at the end of the day that bond we forged so long ago was still there, and I thought was permanent.
That all changed with him. It started innocent enough. We were old friends each going through hard times respectively. We were each emotional support for the other. Lines became blurred, limits were pushed and boundaries were crossed until finally the relationship became something I no longer recognized. There weren't the same light hearted hang outs there used to be and we were definitely past the stage of being "just friends". After some confusing weeks (well months more realistically) I realized how foolish the situation was, and knew I had to end the relationship. I tried. He attacked. My life has not been the same since.
The details are unnecessary at this point. This post is more about the back story and the aftermath more than the attack itself.
Back to today. The sister. My former bosom buddy now hates me. I'm not surprised by this. I don't expect anything different. I've tried to put myself in her shoes and I can't imagine I'd feel any differently if we were talking about her and my brother. Losing her friendship has been the hardest part. I've never had a friend like her before. Not having her in my life anymore has been devastating.
It's been over a year since the attack. When I say "my life hasn't been the same sense" it's not just a figure of speech. I have a new job, I go to a new church, and I don't have the same friends anymore. Everything's different now which has helped me put it behind me--but this is not something I will ever forget. Which brings me to this week.
How could she, the woman who loves me more than anyone else, the woman I confide in, cry to, depend on, how could my own mother forget? I haven't felt this kind of heartache (it's literally a physical pain in my chest) since initially going through it all. This feels the same.
I was talking to my mom this weekend and told her that I saw the sister and how hard and awkward it was for me. She asked me why it was so awkward. I said, "because she hates me..." and then my mom asked one simple question that felt like she punched me in the gut. She asked, "Why does she hate you?"
Seriously? Seriously? I spent quiet months in a dark, dark depression after what happened. Literally dark as I blacked out all the windows of my house and refused to talk to anyone unnecessarily. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I never slept in my bed again after that night. I had to get a new one.
 I drank myself sick. I have never been so depressed in my life.
I finally decided that I couldn't keep this secret anymore. I told very few people what happened and I instantly regretted it. After that I found a new job, a new church and tried to get a new life.

I feel like the whole thing was pushed under a rug and no one wants to talk about it. His family knows what happened and obviously assume I'm lying because he says that I am. My mother knows what happened and apparently forgot or doesn't think it's as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be.

It's just been really hard. As time passes I think I'm getting better or feeling like myself again and then I see him or a member of his family and it floods back.

One of the reasons I started this blog was because I needed an outlet--I knew I would write about this horrible incident which is why my blog has such a limited (almost non-existent audience).
I was very intentional in choosing the name for my blog "Discovering Truth." Since everything happened I've learned so much about myself I've found some strengths and I see where I lack.
 The bible says in John 8:32 that "the truth will set you free."  I guess I'm looking for freedom and healing as I process everything. . .

Post of the Crabby

You were warned with the title. It's your chocie to read on.

Apparently my upstairs neighbor had a revolving door put in and decided last night to make sure it was properly installed. It was. All night long people were in and out, and out and in. Up and down the stairs at least 20 times. Then they all congregated right outside my bedroom window, talking, screaming, laughing. They'd stomp across the front porch out to the car, slam the car door and drive away. Relief at last--WRONG! Moments later-right as I was drifting to sleep-they'd return. Same routine in reverse: car turns off, car door slams, stomp across the porch, then the laughing, screaming, talking. Up the stairs, down the stairs. Round and round again. Finally they'd stampede down the stairs, across the porch, and to the car one final time. I breathe in ready to salvage my night and try at last to get some sleep. And then at 4 a.m. the rhythmic and undeniable sounds of the headboard banging against the wall. 'Are you kidding me?!' I tried to ignore it, I told myself it'd be over soon. It was not over soon. It did not end quickly or quietly. I am convinced that my neighbor and his poor partner are trying out for a new Olympic sport. I don't know what they're up against for competition, but they definitely had endurance. I was exhausted after it all! I was tempted to check on the girl this morning to make sure she survived. I thought better of it; I realized if she did not survive it maybe there's a chance I'll sleep tonight.
I think I'll put my head down at my desk right now and dream of how glorious a full night's sleep will be.

When I first started this blog I made a commitment to myself to always include a scripture. Today no scripture seems appropriate. I did have this fleeting thought however. The bible says be angry and sin not. (Ephesians 4:26) Not be angry and post not. This is my medium to release my anger or else the sin not portion might not come very easily.
Peace out!

Farewell

We had a good run, but now our time has come to a close. I wasted half the time with youthful indiscretion and poor choices; I spent the second half (after my life drastically changed) too busy to enjoy what remained--which is my greatest regret.  I’m now reflecting on what was and what could’ve been. These 10 years have come and gone in what at times seems as a flash; other times it seems they would never end. But end they have. There was no stopping it—no matter how I tried. Farewell 20’s; I hardly knew ye.

What happens the next 10? "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11)
I’m entering this stage with a much different frame of mind. I’m different now. I’m older. I’m wiser. Happier. More fulfilled. I set goals and follow them. I think I’m almost grown.

We've all heard that 'age is just a number.' But that's not true. Right or wrong people associate age with a stage in life. What have you (or haven't you) accomplished? But these associations can vary a great deal. To a toddler it seems anyone older/taller is a 'big kid' and gray hair equals grandparents with a couple of different stages in between. I'm pretty sure if I told my son that I'm 10 years old he'd believe me.
But I'm not 10. I'm at the brink of adulthood. There are expectations and assumptions with 30--like you've graduated high school and probably college, you don't work fast food or live with your parents, you can drive a car (a car that you own even). When you're a teenager 30 seems so old, when you're 20 30 seems so far away. I fully expect to tell future 30 year olds (when I'm more mature) 'you have your whole life ahead of you; you're so young...' and all the other familiar phrases I've heard from my mother and her peers. But truthfully I don't feel so young. I've been reflecting on my life and what I have to show for the past 3 decades and what I hope to accomplish in the next 3. (there's a lot).

 

In 10 years when I'm writing my 30's farewell I hope to be wiser still. I feel like there are still so many 'grown-up' milestones I have yet to achieve: marriage, home ownership, a real career. But one thing I will do in my 30's that I did not do in my 20's and teens: I will enjoy the moment. I will not take this stage in life for granted. I'm so glad to not be in high school right now; I'm equally thrilled to know that there is still so much ahead of me; so much more to look forward to and accomplish. I will appreciate, and love and sing with intensity.

I'm 30 dang it. It is what it is.

Artfully Controlled

I spent a great deal of last year being manipulated. This has been a hard revelation for me to admit because I don't want to think of myself as weak or naive, however I was being manipulated and I was blind to it (as being manipulated implies).
To manipulate is to 'manage or control artfully or by shrewd use of influence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way.' I was definitely artfully controlled. I'm still working to get past the damage that was caused during that time of my life.
This of course is about a boy. My heart aches thinking about it. As I continue to write this blog more will be revealed. But for now I thank God for getting me through! I wandered into that situation blind and unaware of what I was getting into. I limped out of it hurting and broken. The bible says that we overcome (the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11). Praise God that I didn't stay manipulated! I didn't stay deceived. That is my testimony. I know that God can and He WILL use that experience to warn, comfort, or encourage someone else. I know that God works all things together for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28). God will be glorified through this. I think of the story of Joseph in the book of Genesis. Had he not been hated by his brothers, had he not been sold into slavery and later imprisoned he would not have been elevated to his (eventual) place of honor. He was able to save his family. What was intended to harm God intended for good (Genesis 50:20).
I am encouraged that God can take an ugly and crummy situation and turn it around. 'To bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes' (Isaiah 61:3). I can't wait to see how God uses me and my past. I know He can. I know He will. I choose to yield myself to His control.