The beginning...

 . . . I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go  . . .
Song of Solomon 3:4

Tomorrow I will marry the one my heart loves.  I'm euphoric! Thinking about the future I reflect on the past. Everything that brought us here to where we are now on the eve of our wedding....

The phone rings:

     Hello? I answer.

    His voice responds, ...So what have you been doing the last 12 years?

 Funny and sincere--it was the perfect opening line, but it didn't really start there.

A typical Tuesday few days earlier:
 I was at work, and as always logged into facebook.  I was messaged out of the blue. I read my name in all caps: STEPHANIE!!!!
My name never looked so good to me. I've seen it written my whole life, but never had I seen it and sensed the excitement I sensed from him. My heart danced inside me. I responded with his name in all caps matching his enthusiasm. We spent the next few unproductive days messaging on the social network that reunited us. I know that I for one did nothing but wait in anticipation to get a message and respond. I was desperate to get to know him. I made sure to ask a question with each message that I sent to ensure I got a response from him. The more we messaged, the more I wanted to message. The more I got to know him the more I needed to know him.

In high school he was the boy I always noticed in the hall. I always said hi, smiled, or in some small way acknowledged his existence--which was pretty generous of me considering he was an underclassmen. Every time he looked at me I would wonder what he could be thinking. Could he find me as intriguing as I found him?

Fast forward twelve years. Skip through the heartache and shame of countless failed relationships (mostly mine). I emerge from my apartment wearing a flower in my hair and a little too much perfume. My heart pounds as I lock the door and walk toward his car. I take one deep breath before I open the car door, sit down and play cool. He looks exactly the same. More than a decade later his eyes pull me in again. Turns out he found me intriguing after all.

     It was the kind of first date you see in movies--when you know from the opening scene that the couple just has to end up together. I knew I had to see him again. And again. And again.

Our second date was the very next day. I couldn't wait. After that second date there was no doubt; I loved him. Two weeks later I knew he was meant for me and I him. I found my partner, the one my heart loves.

  The timing was perfect. If we had gotten together back in high school I'm sure he would've been just another one of the many 'failures'. I'm sure I would've sabotaged that relationship as I did with all the relationships of my teens and 20's. The love of my life would have been another casualty of my rebellion and immaturity.  I'm grateful for those years and those failures though. I was able to recognize my mate, able to see him for the important qualities of maturity, faithfulness, and the hard-working, loving father that he is.

  As we approach the next chapter I know it is only the beginning. I'm so excited to start my life and my family with him.  He's everything I never knew I always wanted.
Tomorrow our journey really begins! I can't wait!!

Psalm 139: I know that full well

You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways. 
 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.  
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
 Psalm 139:1-6

Before I am a mother, before I am a wife, before I'm a sister, a daughter, or a friend, before I am an employee, before I'm a democrat or republican before I am an American I am a child of God.
The creator of the universe knew me before my parents did. He formed me.
"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14
Sometimes the world around me doesn't make sense. Sometimes I feel like don't fit in in my own family. In my stress, in my depression, anger and uncertainty I know 2 things to be true. God's still for me and He's still here. I often feel ill-equipped to play all the roles I've been placed in, and yet God knows ME. He said he'd never leave me or forsake me. Sometimes that is hard to believe. A lot of people have said they'd never leave. But Numbers 23:19 reminds me that "God is not a man that he should lie, nor the son of man that he should change his mind"

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Psalm 139:7-12

I need that reminder. God is with me always. When I feel like my world is falling apart. When I feel utterly alone. When nothing makes sense. My creator is with me. He sees my tears, He knows my struggles. I'm not alone. He created me. My God knows my fears and doubts, my insecurities and short-comings. And better than that he equipped me to handle it. I don't have to go through anything alone! He cheers me on, tells me I CAN do it. And He KNOWS this to be true because He made me. He made the earth, the stars and the oceans and He Made Me.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from youwhen I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body;all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand —
when I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139:13-18

I feel under pressure sometimes. I get overwhelmed and sometimes I can't see my way out. I am trying to encourage myself in the Lord as David did in First Samuel when he was in "great distress."
This is a challenge. My heart feels heavy--I actually feel it in my chest it hurts.
I can relate to David. He was a dude that made A LOT of mistakes. I'm sure he embarassed his family once or twice with his actions (I can definitely relate to that). I'm sure he's felt unworthy. I know and I've read how he's felt depressed. And yet David is called a man after God's own heart.
That means there's still hope for me.

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24