People are like zits; apply pressure and what's inside comes out.
I've been shocked and even appalled by the reactions of some, and I've truly been humbled by the very few who seem to keep things in perspective.
To say that everyone involved is "under a lot of pressure" is definitely an understatement! And much like when you pop a zit, I'd rather NOT see what's coming out--because it's gross.
With my own eyes I have seen several very broken people--people who's lives have been turned completely upside down, the world crumbling beneath them. When I experienced a major and sudden change of events my initial reaction was to curl into a ball and cry until I was utterly exhausted. Eventually I was unable to hide, and I could no longer fold myself into the fetal position any more because it became physically impossible. In this situation I've witnessed similar sadness and cried several tears of my own. The sadness has been no surprise.
Then there's the rage. I know there's such a thing as "righteous anger;" the bible even says to be angry and sin not (Ephesians 4:26). But I'm talking about the blood-boiling rage when your face gets all hot, you get tunnel vision, and all you can see is the offense and the offender. When you get to that point all that matters is to react in an equally if not more hurtful way. That may be the most prevalent response in the situation right now. I've heard words I never thought I'd hear from certain people. I was even told to "F-off" by one of the major players involved because MY words were no-doubt offensive. The other nasty, distasteful words and actions have been too numerous to count. I have truly grieved over it all. In the past several weeks I've been disappointed by friends I've respected and looked up to; it's been heart breaking.
One unexpected outcome has been motivation. (It's motivated ME in a surprising way, but that's another talk for another time.) But I continue to see certain individuals reevaluate their place in life and their life choices and make decisions to forge ahead. Some decisions have been unimaginably difficult and some may even seem to be the wrong decision to those on the outside looking in. I for one am grateful that they are not my decisions to make. I see the agony it's causing to make a decision in one way or the other but to do nothing is not an option. Motivation and drive have been surprising after the devastation but I admire the impulse to pick up the pieces and get to work.
A major frustration came when a 'friend' watching from a relatively close distance, but in no way directly involved, turned the situation back on herself. As I've mentioned the situation is SAD; everyone who knows even the slightest detail has been saddened by it. But this 'friend' seems unable to see the situation for what it really is. She's turned the whole thing back on herself as if the greatest devastation is hers to bear. That really left an awful taste in my mouth. I have the fortune or misfortune of being pretty up close and personal to the whole thing. I often call it having the best seat in the house to a show I don’t want to watch. But with this close proximity comes an opportunity and responsibility that I do not want to squander. I am able to speak to and inspire some of the ‘major players’ in a way that others are not. I know how important my words and actions are in all this and the last thing I want to do is say or do the wrong thing—there’s been plenty of that since day one. Being in a position to speak into the lives of such vulnerable people is not really a place I would choose to be. I have to be so careful about what I say and how I act right now. I am generally not shy about saying how I feel or what I think. I am told several times a week that I have no filter. So not saying every single thing that comes to mind has been a challenge. One thing I have learned in life is that the right words mean nothing if spoken at the wrong time. Proverbs 15:23 reads, "...a word spoken in due season, how good it is!" The pressure of being in this position, trying to say the right thing at the right time and trying not to let my bad attitude seep into those around me has been great. So when this ‘friend’ asks me for information ‘from the inside’ only to gain attention or to seek sympathy or even just to know for the sake of knowing is truly appalling.
Then I've seen silver linings. Reactions that have restored my faith in the human race after everything else had made me think everyone sucks. In the last few weeks I've seen a remarkable display of mercy and grace. That has truly been the most surprising reaction and the reaction that has humbled me the most. One particular person (I feel) has had the hardest blow in the whole thing. If anyone has the right to be enraged and act on it I would consider this person. But instead I've seen expressions of love--true, Christlike love--poured out. I've watch this person not lookout for them-self but instead show concern for others around--including the offender. It has blown my mind.
The other silver lining I'm watching unfold in front of me is redemption. I've seen the "beauty for ashes" the bible talks about in the book of Isaiah. The love of my life has experienced all of this before. It breaks my heart thinking about it! I met him after the devastation and have only heard his account of what it was like to go through it. But he’s told me all about it. The hurt, sadness, rage, motivation—everything that I’m watching play out before me he’s already been through. I’m glad to have him sitting next to me as I watch. He knows what’s coming for sure, and it’s awesome to see how God is using this awful thing from his past to help the people currently in the situation. My love for him has grown tremendously in the last few weeks. Through it all he has been caring, loving and protective, not just to me but to several people involved in this ugly situation.
The pressure put on me has caused some ugly things to come out for sure. One of the worst things was that I lost faith in people. As I watch more unfold (I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg at this point) I'm sure there will be an overflow of emotions. My prayer continues to be that people not be carried away by these emotions. Hurt will come. Sadness is inevitable. My hope is that people are able to keep a level head, keep things in perspective and move forward with dignity. That's been my personal goal in this whole thing.
I recently read a quote, "If you think you're under pressure, you're probably not, because when you really are, you don't even have time to think about it"
Everyone I've mentioned (save one) has definitely been under pressure in light of recent events. I think all involved have just reacted without thinking about it. What's interesting is that I am seeing the true character of people now. What I see today is doesn't exactly match what I saw before.
I wonder what people are seeing come out of me...
