Farewell

We had a good run, but now our time has come to a close. I wasted half the time with youthful indiscretion and poor choices; I spent the second half (after my life drastically changed) too busy to enjoy what remained--which is my greatest regret.  I’m now reflecting on what was and what could’ve been. These 10 years have come and gone in what at times seems as a flash; other times it seems they would never end. But end they have. There was no stopping it—no matter how I tried. Farewell 20’s; I hardly knew ye.

What happens the next 10? "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11)
I’m entering this stage with a much different frame of mind. I’m different now. I’m older. I’m wiser. Happier. More fulfilled. I set goals and follow them. I think I’m almost grown.

We've all heard that 'age is just a number.' But that's not true. Right or wrong people associate age with a stage in life. What have you (or haven't you) accomplished? But these associations can vary a great deal. To a toddler it seems anyone older/taller is a 'big kid' and gray hair equals grandparents with a couple of different stages in between. I'm pretty sure if I told my son that I'm 10 years old he'd believe me.
But I'm not 10. I'm at the brink of adulthood. There are expectations and assumptions with 30--like you've graduated high school and probably college, you don't work fast food or live with your parents, you can drive a car (a car that you own even). When you're a teenager 30 seems so old, when you're 20 30 seems so far away. I fully expect to tell future 30 year olds (when I'm more mature) 'you have your whole life ahead of you; you're so young...' and all the other familiar phrases I've heard from my mother and her peers. But truthfully I don't feel so young. I've been reflecting on my life and what I have to show for the past 3 decades and what I hope to accomplish in the next 3. (there's a lot).

 

In 10 years when I'm writing my 30's farewell I hope to be wiser still. I feel like there are still so many 'grown-up' milestones I have yet to achieve: marriage, home ownership, a real career. But one thing I will do in my 30's that I did not do in my 20's and teens: I will enjoy the moment. I will not take this stage in life for granted. I'm so glad to not be in high school right now; I'm equally thrilled to know that there is still so much ahead of me; so much more to look forward to and accomplish. I will appreciate, and love and sing with intensity.

I'm 30 dang it. It is what it is.

Artfully Controlled

I spent a great deal of last year being manipulated. This has been a hard revelation for me to admit because I don't want to think of myself as weak or naive, however I was being manipulated and I was blind to it (as being manipulated implies).
To manipulate is to 'manage or control artfully or by shrewd use of influence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way.' I was definitely artfully controlled. I'm still working to get past the damage that was caused during that time of my life.
This of course is about a boy. My heart aches thinking about it. As I continue to write this blog more will be revealed. But for now I thank God for getting me through! I wandered into that situation blind and unaware of what I was getting into. I limped out of it hurting and broken. The bible says that we overcome (the enemy) by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11). Praise God that I didn't stay manipulated! I didn't stay deceived. That is my testimony. I know that God can and He WILL use that experience to warn, comfort, or encourage someone else. I know that God works all things together for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28). God will be glorified through this. I think of the story of Joseph in the book of Genesis. Had he not been hated by his brothers, had he not been sold into slavery and later imprisoned he would not have been elevated to his (eventual) place of honor. He was able to save his family. What was intended to harm God intended for good (Genesis 50:20).
I am encouraged that God can take an ugly and crummy situation and turn it around. 'To bestow a crown of beauty instead of ashes' (Isaiah 61:3). I can't wait to see how God uses me and my past. I know He can. I know He will. I choose to yield myself to His control.